A List of Really Cool Things Happening in My Life Right Now

 by Jay Paul

[A quick note on what to expect on the blog in the coming months. I will continue to post the second and  fourth Thursdays. Today, I will have a second post, "On an Escarpment Above the St. Croix River (The Ear)," a recent poem of mine. In two weeks, I hope to have finished an essay I have begun, "On Avoiding Bitterness," which details how I escaped from feeling bitter when confronted with the diagnoses of my daughter's autism and my bipolar. Long-term, I am researching and working on an answer to Deleuze and Guattari's Anti-Oedipus and A Thousand Plateaus, their two volumes in the capitalism and schizophrenia series. I want to read them as a schizophrenic and see what I think. That essay probably won't appear until September or October. Before then, I will continue to post occasional pieces.]

Today, I am going to list a whole bunch of good things going on in my life right now. But, before I get to that, I want to address trauma briefly. On both this blog and another one, at which I write under my real name, I have narrated some events from my life that, I have learned, have proven difficult for some people. I wasn't trying to upset anyone. I work in the mental health area, and many of my friends are in the mental health community. Stories of trauma abound. I guess I am used to them by now. I take for granted that life is like this for most people. But, apparently, it is not. 

Perhaps I have, from a typical middle-class context, become desensitized to trauma—both that which I have personally undergone and that of others. I suspect this is the case. But "desensitization" is a term coming from a certain position of privilege. Given my social circle and work, what appears to be desensitization is simply dealing, getting by, doing what needs doing. If I were as sensitive today to the trauma that comes with so-called mental illness and its various stigmas as I were when I was a teacher, I would be overwhelmed. I don't believe I have compromised my compassion. I do believe it takes a lot more to freak me out emotionally. It's a matter of survival in the context I live in. I hear of so much trauma, that I have become personally convinced that it and stress can be contributing factors to the advent of mental illness in certain circumstances. This is, of course, purely anecdotal.

Well, enough of that! It is important to represent that our lives can be good, fun, and, well, happy. So here goes!

1. I feel very loved. I know this because I have severely tested the affection of friends and family during one episode in particular. While a few friends freaked out and bailed, some people came out of the woodwork and helped a lot. I feel deeply embarrassed, even today, at the inconvenience I caused so many people six years ago. But I do know who my friends are, and I am absolutely secure that I am loved. People proved it to me, even though I am chagrined that I ever put them to the test. What's more, I feel love from the people around me every day. I have two groups of friends: fellow writers and people with mental health concerns. They are very different communities, and I get something very different from each. I hope I contribute something to each. But I feel a lot of love, and that's terribly important. I also get a lot of love and support from my family.

Some writers get a little shy about using the word "love" since it is so often misused. I don't. I know what it feels like when there is little around. In 2014, I was dealing with the death of a dear friend, a number of friends moving away, and another friend having ghosted me without giving a reason (I later learned he backed away from me on the basis of some unfounded rumors, the content of which I am in the dark on.) I was so lonely I could feel it in my marrow, and nobody wants to feel marrow. This experience makes me appreciate what I have today. And it makes me appreciate the word "love," even if it is sometimes misused. 

2. My latest poetry book has been taught at the university level in a contemporary literature course two years in a row. Last year, the professor didn't inform me he was using it again, and my publisher asked me why I was suddenly selling more books. Finally, I checked with the professor. I don't know how many books I've sold; I don't bother to keep track. But it's a lot for a micro press book.

3. A couple years ago I ventured out and joined a Zen group in the neurotypical community. This was huge for me. I had spent several years associating only with my writer friends and friends in the mental health community. I was nervous. There was nothing welcoming in this community for a neurodivergent type. There wasn't anything hostile, either. But I was nervous about being found out. Finally, a couple months ago, I just told the head teacher about my diagnosis of schizophrenia. He shrugged, as if I had told him I had eaten a banana for breakfast. It was the perfect response. I actually feel comfortable, now, letting other people there know. It is such a burden holding it inside, wondering if people will find out, and so on. Put it out there and let them ask questions if they need to. It's freeing. Once it's out there, you know how they will respond. If they're jerks, and some people are, that's their problem.

4. I am doing well enough financially right now. This may not last, but, then again, nothing lasts. I intend on enjoying it. I even made a big purchase for me: a big white hat, the most expensive article of clothing I own except for shoes. I did it because I have a genetic susceptibility to cancer, and I don't want to develop skin cancer on my face or the back of my neck. I expected the big hat to make me look dweeby—like Smoky the Bear. Instead, it looks kinda cool. 

5. After decades of being overweight, largely because of side effects from meds, I am closing in on my goal weight. I feel lighter on my feet and less achy than I have in years. My meds, now, do not seem to cause weight gain. I expect that by the end of July, I should weigh exactly what I should, and I will finally enjoy a little more food.

Cool stuff abounds!