Paradise

 Strange insights can come up when you meditate, and I meditate a fair amount: 50 minutes twice a day. Over the last four or five months, a series of insights has revealed to me that I, and probably all people, hold deep, subconscious beliefs that our conscious self would never agree with. For instance, I was recently sitting when I heard some people talking in the parking lot outside my apartment windows. These people talk out there a lot. It hit me quite suddenly that "this is my life, to sit in this apartment overhearing the same people talking in the parking lot." It washed over me that this here, now existence is all I have. Even if I moved from this apartment, my life would not be substantively different. I would just overhear different people outside my apartment.

The insight continued. I realized in this flash that I harbored a fundamental belief/feeling/hope that was quite delusional. I believed that somehow, somewhere, my problems would be solved and I would live in a blissful existence outside petty annoyances. I actually believed this. My conscious, deliberate self would immediately see this belief as the delusion that it is. But we do not fully cohere. We contain multitudes of contradictions.

The loss of this delusion was unsettling, because with it went my hope for a substantively better life. Some part of me actually believed in and strove for a time when I would be wholly at peace. I'm not the only one who harbors or did harbor such a belief. Consider all the songs that celebrate such a peace. And how often do politicians play on basic, delusional beliefs such as this one? The more I meditate, the more I become convinced that I, like most people, am usually motivated by profoundly delusional, normative beliefs. 

These are not psychiatric delusions. I've had those and remember them. Those are delusions that are not shared by your social group. Examples in our society include believing that a computer has been implanted in you or thinking that the people on television are speaking to you personally. But I'm convinced that neurotypicals are just as deluded as schizophrenics or schizoaffectives. It's just that they their delusions are widely circulating in society.

In fact, the delusion about getting to paradise that I mentioned earlier is quite common. It's part of the very warp and woof of our everyday existence. As an example, imagine that you have to get to an appointment. You go to get your car keys, having left plenty of time to get there even if you encounter some snafus while driving. But your car keys aren't where you thought they were. And then you stub your toe. Finally, you find your car keys, toe smarting, and think you have time to still make it to your appointment. But you run into a 20-minute delay because of a traffic jam and end up being late. 

While in this scenario you did leave time for the unforeseen, the animating conception behind it was paradisiacal. You assumed things would go smoothly, that your keys would be where you thought they were, that you wouldn't stub your toe, that traffic would be typical. We know that things can go wrong, but we operate out of a paradisiacal belief that they won't.

We have no choice. To operate out of a less delusional belief, one that took into consideration the myriad snafus that might happen when you go to your appointment, is to court an anxiety disorder. Our beliefs are not based on reality. They are based on what helps us to get things done. Having paradisiacal delusions helps us to get through our day. Being hyper aware of all that can go wrong gets in the way of our day.

Because of this delusion, we get surprised. And we get surprised all the time because this belief, that things will go pretty much according to plan, is not based on experience. Snafus happen all the time that upend our plans. Yet we go on believing and acting as if they did not. And then we are surprised when things really go wrong, such as a car accident or an unexpected death or injury.

While sometimes these surprises are pleasant, such as running into a dear old friend at the grocery store, my sense is that most are not. This is because we live in a whole host of delusions that experience constantly exposes as false, yet we keep believing in them. We do this because they are useful. Even I, who ran into one of the greatest snafus imaginable when I came down with schizoaffective, continue to believe that life goes pretty much according to plan.

Other examples include believing that you have a lot of control over your life, that other drivers will follow the written and unwritten laws of the road, that the people around you actively listen to what you say. All of these delusions are shown to be false numerous times. Yet we keep believing them. We believe them not because they have proven true, but because we must to make it through the day.

Sitting meditation has revealed to me some of these deeply held delusions that I hold. I sit meditation out of the faith that to live closer to how things are will make me a happier person who is more responsive to the people and things about him. So far, my observations seem to bear out this faith. I feel happier and more responsive. And the people I am close to say that I have been more present than I was before I meditated. 

That said, I do feel a little bereft at losing my belief in a paradise. I need to face that I will always have plenty of problems, just like everyone else. I will never be at peace. Strangely, this realization is part of what can lead to a more peaceful life.